Party Of Four

This little dude is about to be a big brother. 

There's going to be four of us?! Jude isn't quite able to comprehend what's about to happen. Truthfully, neither are we. I've heard horror stories and I've heard encouraging stories about going from one child to two. I feel anxiety creeping in, especially at night, and whisper, "it's going to be too much, you're not going to be able to handle it, the baby will never sleep (haha), Jude is going to become a completely different kid for the worse..." Then there's the truth. I know that God will be there to guide me and surprise me with his grace. Blake will continue to be a huge help and an amazing dad, and we also have a wonderful community of friends who point us to Jesus' work on the cross and make wonderful casseroles. Lord willing, this baby is going to bring so much joy! I'm sure that I'll have those freak-out moments where I just want to cry, complain, and give way to all my emotions. Shoo, I won't even talk about breastfeeding. But, you know what I'm worried about the most? Change. I think God is showing me that I worry the most about change because my heart quickly becomes too attached to this (amazing and challenging) life.

Life is constantly changing and we have to change with it. I recount all the precious memories that we've made with Jude over the past two years and I'm overwhelmed by joy, ER visits, freak accidents, diaper explosions, moments I lost my temper, birthdays, many milestones, and his sweet little grin. 

However, I'm also pained because I know that Jude will one day grow up, move out, and spend the majority of his life under another roof. Yes, I can sit here and tell of Jude's wonderfulness and get all wrapped up in how amazing he is. There's a time for that. I treasure each moment that we share but ultimately...

He's not ours. 

If I put my hope in Jude, in children, in any thing, it will fail me. 

He is God's. 

I wish that I could record every single special moment that we share but the truth is, I'll never have enough. I'll never have enough of his little spontaneous hugs. I'll never get enough of his little facial expressions, his giggle, how he makes me feel. (I sure have had enough of these massive stinky diapers though) I have to remind myself of the truth; only God can satisfy my heart. Every joy I receive from Jude, from this life, is all reflecting my loving Father. His glory! 

My heart finds rest when I remember to stop and praise the Lord, to stop and worship Him for every little gift.

Then I start feeling guilty. Guilt isn't from the Lord. I feel guilty sometimes because he doesn't go to preschool and have a million friends his age. I feel guilty sometimes because he doesn't eat veggies like he should. I feel guilty for staying home sometimes because I feel like I have to defend myself. The list goes on and on but then God reminds me of His unending graces and mercies... 

"Things like mommy guilt cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency; He felt God's highest expectations of perfection and in Him we all find the promises of God find there yes! In him we find mercy in our time of need, which is always." - Gloria Furman

Hallelujah! 

Thank you for being so patient with me, Lord. Some days I totally screw it all up, I worship the gifts, not the giver. Just when I think I've figured this out, I sink. So quickly I start looking to loved ones, or to friends who aren't really even friends, and get hurt. I've tasted and then engorged. I've enjoyed and then become addicted. (especially to chocolate) I've been through seasons of peace and seasons of chaos and you are the only one I can trust. I don't know how to be a mom without you (or anything else). 

Thank you for teaching me to daily let go... to let go of the things of this world. You are the only one who is constant, and the only giver who gives REST to my soul.

We're so thankful that we were able to go enjoy the beach one last time before this precious baby gets here! :)

This little dude reminds me to rest, to forgive, to say "I sowry" willingly like he does, and that God loves me. Jude will walk up to me about fifteen to twenty times a day and give me the sweetest hugs. They're undeserved reminders that Jesus loves me, embraces me just as I am, and cares for me. Jude also reminds me to learn something from each day. God is always teaching us something!